So obviously I’ve not done a great job of updating regularly. It’s an opposite problem from school time, when I have much to say and no time in which to say it. During the summer, I’ve got nothing to say and all the time in the world. Anyhow, if you’ve hung on this long, today’s post is going to be a special one.
I’m getting divorced.
On this coming Wednesday, actually.
There’s nothing the matter, my husband and I still deeply care for each other, we’re just better able to do that when we’re not married. And I will hear nothing against him in public, please, so if you want to message me to say something that’s fine, but keep it off the comments section.
Now. Since I’ll be newly single for the first time in…what feels like forever, I’ve been asked by a few people about dating. The ink’s not dry on the paperwork, so I’m not worried yet, but I’ve compiled a dating manifesto for myself for when the time comes. It’s a work in progress, and is sadly a bit negative, but I need to look at all these points every so often because they do come up. And here it is:
I get to choose if I want a date, if I want to continue a date, and if I want another date. Society, or pressure to do so because “he’s such a nice guy,” does not get to choose for me.
I do not need any particular reason to reject someone.
I do not have to be fair, or nice, or sweet. I have more of a responsibility to myself than I do to the feelings of my date.
If I need to defend myself physically, it is okay to do so.
If I need to defend myself physically, I also need to call the police. I’m probably not the first person to need to do so, and if I don’t step in, I won’t be the last either.
I get to order whatever I want from the menu, even the top, unless there’s fettuccine alfredo, in which case bottom is fine.
Ordering from the top of the menu does not guarantee my date sex, or even a goodnight kiss.
It is my responsibility to be prepared: I need to carry my cell phone with a good friend on speed dial, enough cash for my share of the dinner and a cab if necessary, condoms, and something with which to defend myself.
I will respect myself enough not to date just to have something to do or because I’m lonely. There are far worse things than being bored and lonely, and some of those things involve spending time with someone I don’t like that much.
No alcohol on the first date. No matter how awkward and stilted I feel without it.
In the case of what seems like massive disrespect, attempt to find out why and talk it out once. Second chances are to be given sparingly, and only if there’s a damn good reason.
If I am going to say no to something, I need to be clear, decisive, and unapologetic. Furthermore, I do not owe an explanation for a no. I may choose to give one, but if not, then no is a complete sentence.
Additionally, I will not be cruel, just firm and definite. That no is a complete sentence works both ways; no need to outline why I’m saying it.
If I am going to say yes to something, I need to be aware of and consider all the consequences before I say yes.
I will not let having said yes get in the way of keeping myself healthy and happy and safe. It is okay to take back a yes.
I will not out of hand reject someone for baggage or personal problems. We’re all broken in some way. However, if they show a disinclination to deal with or clearly discuss those problems, it is okay for me to leave.
My desire is not defined by a ‘type.’ It is perfectly fine for someone to push all my good attractiveness (or sweetness or kindness) buttons, and for me to decide I don’t wish to date them. There shall be no more utterances of “he’s wonderful, but…”
This is what I have so far. Any suggestions are welcome in the comments section.